I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Dick very happy bro
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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