Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My ass is underappreciated
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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