bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
