i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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