I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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