from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
