I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
