I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
