Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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