I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
