did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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