can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
