It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
