Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
