Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
