did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
