Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
