I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
