I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
