I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
