why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
