Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
