I will die if light touches me.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
