My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
