Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
