FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
