everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my being single is dangerous.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
