I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Hippo gnu deer
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
