I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
