Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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