Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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