you have to choose: penises or morals?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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