First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
