You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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