between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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