Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
