A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
