I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm really busy with my period
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