Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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