Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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