Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
