Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
