apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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