You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
