I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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