Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
