I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
