I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
