If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
