There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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